Make your own free website on Tripod.com

All You'll Ever Need to Know About Gardening:


More Madness or Escape the Madness!

Aaaa:
Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said gardener's trouser leg.

Annual:
Any plant that dies before blooming.

Aphid:
Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their feet, and utter four-letter words.

Bed :
1. Where most prized flowering perennials are located.
2. Where most gardeners are located when they hear rabbits in 1.

Dog :
1. Familiar domestic quadruped, whose main hobby is palaeontology. declares squatter's rights and buries its favorite specimins under your most prized shrubs.
2. Device with tooth which penetrates or grips object and detains it.(Usually leg of unsuspecting gardener.)

Fence:
Barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.

Fruit:
General term for the seed-bearing part of a plant that is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots, gets funny spots, isn't what was pictured in the catalogues, tastes like a glove or doesn't appear at all.

Furrow:
Horizontal line on forehead of a gardener.

Garden:
One of the vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs to provide healthy ,balanced meals for insects, birds and animals.

Hoe:
Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that when its blade is stepped on, its handle delivers a sharp rap to the gardener's brow, at which point he cries "Ho!"

Injuries:
Accidental mishaps from careless use of various implements which nurserymen guarantee easy to use.

Jumper:
Ragged garment favoured by gardeners that usually has plenty of ventilation especially at the elbows.

Kneeling:
Prone position of gardener when praying for rain during frequent drought periods that occur when plants need extra moisture to sustain growth.

Mulch:
Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it moist and warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even unwanted printed matter may be used.

Nursery:
The only known place where money grows on trees.

Onion:
Useful culinary plant that comes in different sizes, guaranteed to cure dry-eye syndrome.

Perennial :
Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.

Root:
1. Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in the ground when the upper portion is removed, thus resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth.
2. Subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree a small portion of which is inadvertently left in the ground when the said plant is transplanted, resulting in the plant's rapid death.

Rot :
Gardening advice.

Seed:
Highly nutritious form of bird food in handsome packets.

Stake:
Hard, tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by rabbits, birds, squirrels and other inhabitants of the space a gardener thought he had vacant possesion of.

Tools:
Gardening implements that have a distinct life-cycle:
ACTIVE PHASE (one to twelve weeks), marked by appearance of blisters on hands and bruises on legs of user; METAMORPHOSIS PHASE (12 to 14 weeks),during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working-end; and DORMANT PHASE (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by thetwo halfs of the tool in a dark corner of a shed.

Vermin:
Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.

Weed:
Any plant that will survive at least one week without being fertilized, watered, pruned, sprayed, staked, misted mulched, dusted or wrapped in sacking, paper or plastic.

Yawn:
A reaction common to most gardeners who have mastered the art of deck-chair assembly.

Zssss:
1. Sound produced by dozing gardener in deck-chair.
2. sound produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener's trouser leg.

Back to the Top