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How to Annoy Your Band Director

More Madness or Escape the Madness!

Trumpets: Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the director and puts it on you, where it belongs.

When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.

Complain about the temperature of the band room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the director is under pressure.

Look the other way just before cues.

Never have the proper mute or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.

Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the director know you're there as a personal favor.

Act as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions.

Brass players: drop mutes.

Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.

Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).

Long after a passage has gone by, ask the director if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)

At dramatic moments in the music (while the director is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the director know you don't have the music.

Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

Tell the director, "I can't find the beat." Directors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.

Ask the director if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.

If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the director which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.

During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the director feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.