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You Know You're Asian if...

(Escape the Madness or Find More Madness)

Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.

Your dad is some sort of engineer.

Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.

You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.

You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.

You shop 99 Ranch.

Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.

You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.

Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.

You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.

Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."

You drive mostly Japanese cars.

You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.

You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.

At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say..."

You know what bok choy is.

You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.

Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.

You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).

You have NO eyelashes

Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: Ching Chang Chong, GONG! HAY! FAT! CHOY!, chinga gong gay..., etc.

Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.

The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner.

Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.

At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.

Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."

Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.

An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"

Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both.

Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"

Everyone thinks you're good at math.

Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's."

Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.

Your parents insist you marry within your race.

You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.

You either really, really want to go to UC system or really, really want to stay away from it.

"You want a stereo! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"

People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.

You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."

You have 12+ aunts and uncles.

At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.

Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."

The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses, thick glasses.

You will most likely be taller than your parents.

Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.

You get nothing if you do well in school, but get in big trouble if you don't.

When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.

You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.

You own a rice cooker or two.

You buy soy sauce by the gallon.

Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.

Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.

Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come.

You've been to a Chinese herb shop and are not surprised to hear someone say "Hey, look! Dried seahorse!"

Your parents insist on you donating EVERYTHING you don't want anymore to Goodwill.

You go to an Asian restaurant (for the 50 billionth time) and demand that you leave because you've been to these types of restaurants way too often. Your parents' excuse is, "NO!!! LAST WEEK, THAT WAS ANOTHER RESTAURANT!!!"

Your house rarely has "junk food" because your parents consider it "too American".

You have a large number of scrolls hanging all around your house.

You know that "Nee-how." actually means something, and doesn't just make you sound like a horse.

Being called fat isn't an insult.

In no way is this intended to offend Asians. It's pretty true, though, isn't it?

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