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In the wrong place? Escape the Madness! OR... Find More Madness! A pair of 72-DDs is being blamed for the death of a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was celebrating his bachelor party at a popular strip club. The well-endowed Kandy Kane was giving Daniel Greene a lap dance and began smothering his face with her humongous hooters. Witnesses said Greene began waving his hands around, but everyone thought he was just enjoying the attention. Who could have known that he was signaling for help? said a confused friend. Onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts. Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the strip club for wrongful death. Those breasts were lethal weapons, Greene´s father told reporters. A van carrying Hindu pilgrims crashed into a truck in eastern India, killing at least 21 people and injuring 17, some critically, a news agency reported. The collision occurred near Calcutta, the capital of West Bengal state, Press Trust of India news agency said, quoting government administrator Vivek Kumar. The pilgrims were on their way to a temple to worship Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction. Note: I'm not very knowledgeable on Hindu gods; if this is a mistake, please contact me and I will correct it. Doctors in an Indian village say they´re losing business to a holy man selling a 'divine urine cocktail'. Residents of Chomo Ber Kalan in Punjab are requesting to have urine blessed by 86-year-old Tantrik Baba. Officials say Baba tells his patients to bring along five litres of their partner's urine which they then drink. The so called holy man told reporters the cocktail can get rid of any disease on earth. According to a police spokesman, It's possible the doctors have a business problem but we can only step in when there are formal complaints. After trying on a pair of pants in a Dutch store, a woman quickly left without paying for them. A couple days later, she realized they just didn't fit right. What's a thief to do? Exchange the stolen pants, of course. The 52-year-old robber called the store to see if they had the slacks in a larger size. The cashier didn't remember selling this specific pair of pants and cautiously reviewed the security videotapes. Sure enough, the camera showed the thief trying on the pants and leaving the store without paying for them. The cashier told the woman the store indeed had a bigger size and then promptly phoned the police. The woman was arrested on theft charges when she arrived at the store. The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas. A woman asked to be moved to a cubicle in a quieter place in the office and her manager agreed. A couple of days later, the office manager came by her new cube, distressed. He said that he had really messed up because he gave her a cube that was too big for her level in the company. Her cube was for a Level 2 engineer while she was only a Level 1. The difference in size was only two inches, but still, something had to be done. A few days later, the office manager returned and said that to fix the problem, the woman was promoted to Level 2 so she would then be in the right size cube. What do you do if you're a retiree from California with nothing better to do with your time? If you're George Bombardier you like to take cross-country road trips in a golf cart. Bombardier lives in a trailer and can't do much with his emphysema and heart problems so for the past few years he has been driving to Connecticut in a golf cart to see his kids. Among the amenities he carries with him are a television, radio, tape player and makeshift bed. This most recent trip will make his fourth circuit in two years. In Redondo Beach, Calif., a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it." When police arrived in Appleton, Wisconsin to remove a woman's children because of a complaint that she had given her 11-year-old daughter a "swirlie" (Holding her head in a flushing toilet). The woman reportedly said, "I haven't had a vacation in 13 years, go ahead and take them!" A man went in to rob a bank. He demanded the clerk to give him all the money. They told him to go sit out in his car and they would bring him the bags of money. He agreed and went out to his car. In the meantime, the people in the bank called the police. When they got there the man was still sitting in his car waiting for the money and they arrested him. Tyson Mitchell of Iowa City, Iowa walked into the police station and asked the dispatcher if he was wanted for any crimes. He was and was arrested on the spot. But wait! There's more! The police found several bags of cocaine in his pocket. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. A young criminal walked into a bank and quietly handed the teller a note demanding several thousand dollars. Disguised, the man could have easily gotten away. However, he had idiotically written the note on a piece of his own stationery; it included his full name and address. Edney Raphael, 39, running from a stabbing in Philadelphia with a bloody knife in his hand, was captured following a foot chase; he had turned his head to see where the officers were and run smack into a parking meter. A 20 year old protester was arrested in Montana after he assaulted a Congresswoman from Iowa with a salmon. The words were tattooed across the forehead of Wayne Black, a suspected thief. When confronted by police, Black insisted he wasn't Wayne Black. To prove it, he stood in front of a mirror and insisted he was Kcalb Enyaw. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from ." n Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6 inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier, and pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed to the police. An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:" "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ELIZABETH'S AWARD FOR THE MOST IDIOTIC... A Linthicum, Maryland woman, dressed only in bra and panties, lost her balance while putting down linoleum in her home and fell smack into the glue that was spread on the floor, according to Battalian Chief John M. Scholz of the county Fire Department. She became stuck to the floor (mistake one) but somehow managed to free herself after awhile and called the emergency number 911. When the EMTs arrived they found her sitting on her couch (mistake number two). She was now glued to her couch. She had crossed her legs (mistake number three). Her legs were now glued together. And they also found her cordless phone glued to her hand. Crews, using solvent-dipped sterile gauze pads, eventually freed her legs, hands and extremities. She refused to be taken to the hospital. |